This is compilation of my deeepest thoughts, my shallowest thoughts, my life, and my enlightenment.

Soul Searching

I woke up with an empty feeling in the pit of my stomach.
I wasn't hungry.
I wasn't thirsty.

I think I just needed love.

I don't think I've ever understood how to find it.
If you look for it, or if it just finds you.

And when it finds me, I never understand what to do with it.

Like when its not around, I still look for it like it disappeared.
I have abandonment issues.

Why's it seem like love can leave me as fast as it came?

Why does love leave me sometimes, as fast as it came?

I wish I couldn't say I was the same girl my father abused emotionally, but I am.

I'm the same girl in some other woman's skin.

I'm independant, self-sufficient, self-motivated, but I still manage to be insecure.

I can't fight past these lonely feelings anymore.

I'm way too vulnerable and it hurts, like this empty feeling I know I still have inside.

There's no amount of life or space or time, that can fill it.

I drink a glass of water and that glass was always some kind of empty.

I'm the realist girl you'll ever meet, because I live on Front Street and its easy to find me.

You can always come around and it scares me.

I'm hurt by it.

You can always find me, but where is love?
Where did it go?
Did it leave and convince me that you are the same?
Or are you just a trace of something it left behind?

I'm out of my mind, crazy again.
Past the infactuation phase?
Let's stay together.
I beg you.

You're always leaving.
You left me alone.
And I can fend for myself,
But I've never understood the process.

I process these feelings often,
Because its what makes me,
The woman-girl I am and have always been.

My name means God's gift, but gift to whom?
Who will be my heaven-sent gentleman?
I always feel like I've found him and then abuse him emotionally like I've been.
So innocently misleading,
I've never meant to hurt you,
I hurt, me.
So often, I cry in my pillow.
My soul cries.
I can't hear it.
That silent killer.
Delivering and instilling my worst fears to date.

My soul is crying again,
Out in the open.
The world sees,
Stop embarrassing me.
This constant betrayal,
That is the mind-heart dichotomy.
Love me.
Leave me alone.

Because I think I know you.
You have to
Abuse me
Because that was always love.
A real love I wish I could know

When I see it, so it can't escape me anymore.

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